http://clappingechidna.livejournal.com/
twilightarrows
"And Still Our Pain Dissolves With Believing That Peace Comes Their Peace Comes"
I'm so so lonely again and feel so alone. I try to do my own thing just like everyone else does but without other people things are less spontanous, turn static. Everyone else's lives seem so magical to me from the outside and I count their lucky stars for them. I try to do different things during my break but it always turns out the same. And eventually, day after day, I pull away, turn colder and I wait for the weekend, hoping someone will save me from myself because I get to a point where I can barely move anymore.
There are so many things I want to do but it seems I just don't have the energy nor, I fear, the talent. Sometimes it feels like a never ending fight against my soul dying. I just keep withdrawing because I'm hidden away up here on the hill. I'm the type of person who has to fight to be noticed, it doesn't just happen to me like it does others I know. I'm not sure I know how to express myself anymore. It just won't come out. All I can do is dream and dream and dream...
I still write here because less people see it, I can put how I really feel when I feel them. The people who read this, well, I already know that they care how I feel or they simply don't know me. The others, I'm not so sure about.
It's so interesting to talk to people. I've come to the realization a few times (it seems I keep forgetting) that people are all in such different stages in life, that some people never really learn or better themselves, that everyone think they're right, and that everyone is so very different but we're all much the same too. Every person is so very beautiful and different and that's hard to see for others. There seem to be so many of us that are afraid to touch other people. There's this invisible barrier and people worry so much about what other's think that it feels impossible to just touch someone's shoulder, hold a hand, link arms... I feel this need for human contact. I crave it and need it. I am on the hunt for it. Everyone needs it, it's the human condition. But this society has made us all so repellant of it (unless it's completely sexual). But Christ, I need it soon, it hurts so much without it.
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
"You Come Through The Door Like A Bag Of Rocks, Wounded All The Time."
It must be so hard for all of them to be so good at every little thing they do. It's funny that people don't see it, they feel sad and lost, feeling as if they're good at nothing, when in reality it's everything they're good at it. I guess none of us see it though, not in ourselves. We're all self-critical. On the other hand part of me also believes that if we really take a look at it we do know what we're good at it eventhough it might not be what we want to be good at. All of us just need to relax and accept who we are and at some point not try to be what we aren't. If it's an "I need attention" thing, I suggest trying something else. It's hard to feel sorry for someone who has everything, even if they're blind to it.
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
"I'm Tryin' To Think Straight And I Don't Know How Much Longer I Can Wait."
I sat outside, on our porch by the glass table, in the mid-morning sun all morning with my t-shirt sleeves rolled up, my jeans pulled up to my knees, and wearing my mocassins. I read Ethan Hawke's book and wrote a lot. If I had a lover perhaps he'd have thought I was quite cute or maybe even a little sexy in my own way. He might have even kissed me and told me this but only if I were lucky. There isn't much that is better in the world than mornings like this. After a while, I was quite warm so I came inside, emptied the dish washer, and washed some dishes. And then perhaps he'd ask to go camping.
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
"I Lead You Here, Sir, For I Am Sparticus."
People think they're broke?
I'm in the negative, the increasing negative. More than you could guess.
So stop complaining about being able to put money in the bank.
Especially when you could be a kid in Africa, if this were another life.
Atleast I have a job now.
"Hope You Got Your Things Together. Hope You Are Quite Prepared To Die..."
Good God.
I love the 60s.
Why was I born in this apathetic, careless generation? Huh?
oh that's right - we all have a purpose.
It's music is what's been keeping me in uplifted spirits.
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
"It's Working Against Me Now, Oh And It Wants To Bring Me Down."
Why does it seem as if everyone's got something but me?
Alli gets to buy a new camera using her scholarship money.
Spencer's got her boyfriend, although doesn't really realize how special he is.
Jess, Sam, Chris, Megan H. get to have new experiences in a new artsy city.
Megs has a puppy!
Devin can do whatever the hell he wants and can transfer to any school he pleases.
Jess and Sarah get a new apartment.
The list goes on...
None of that kind of stuff has happened to me. I want a new fucking camera, a sweet caring friend, new experiences, an apartment, and get to go to school.
Nope, I can't seem to land a job because apparently I'm a complete moron and no one wants to hire me.
And I get to stay home, on my house on the hill away from everyone, and cook dinner for my parents so my father isn't so stressed he has a heart attack and because my mother has a deathly disease, which will always cause me to feel a bit irresponsible for leaving to do anything.
I'm very happy for my friends. My friends are important to me. I worry about them not being happy constantly.
But honestly, the pain and jealousy still course through my veins.
"But to be myself completely I will love you just the same"
Father
you don't get to tell me how to live my life
because you don't know me
you never have
i've never let you
you'll only judge
no matter
what
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
"And The Rain Will Cry. Don't Let It End. Don't Let It End."
It's funny that, indeed, history repeats itself, even in our own life histories. I feel the way I used to, when I was at my most miserable. I guess I need to get used to it - nothing I ever do will ever be good enough. I'll never be successful enough or responsible enough or pretty enough or nice enough or helpful enough. Even if these feelings and apparent realties had not been present for a while they always return. And to be honest that is the fault of certain people. Don't they understand that I can't be told what to do, that it only depresses me more (than I already am) to fail over and over again and then be told that I need to do more, try harder, just BE better. On top of this feeling of failer and that I've let everyone down, it hit me (again) that I don't think I'll ever find anyone who will understand this and support me and be there for me like I could be for them.
Future.
Sometimes I try to see where my life is going. If I'll live in a big house or a small house, if I'll have an adopted child, sometimes even the fights will be like with my "significant other". Then I think about my career, try to put the present into action with the future, and I wonder if I'll ever be a better person, the person I want to be. I try to imagine where I'll live, who I'll live with, where my family will be and what roll they will have in my life. Will I have travelled to all of the places I've wanted to, will I have helped atleast a bit in Africa? And I wonder, in depressed states, if any of it will come tgether at all, if I will end up with anything I've imagined since I can remember. A part of me thiks it won't work out, another part feels like it must, that my imagination might be more influencial, have more of a sight into my future than anyone realizes. I do know that if I were to die today, tomorrow, the next day I would not be alright with it, if I could see all of that, I would not have done what I want to do with my life. In other words, I have really not fullfilled any of my life goals/desires. That is not a welcoming, warm feeling, in the least.
"It's like you've been calling the muse for weeks and the muse hasn't been answering your calls." -Greg.
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
God, I can't believe how stuck I feel. If I don't do something new fast I think I will spiral downward very quickly, hide away again. My heart hurts again and I'm not really sure why. Something's wrong. Maybe I just need to go to sleep...
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
"But It's Not Like The Sun That Used To Be"
To Do:
Horseback riding lessons
Yoga
Rock climbing lessons
Sailing lessons
Ceramics
Photography
Vote
Cook
...
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
"I'm Gonna Dress Myself For Two. Once For Me And Once For Someone New."
Things are looking up a bit. I still hate my job, Mom and Dad still fight over stupid things, Greg and I struggle but those are life things, those are things that will be there. I'm looking for a new job. And a few people have popped up in my life again, a few have left it. That is a life thing too. I've made a few decisions that I think will further me, get me where I want to go. It's all about acceptance and learning and changing.
Meanwhile, it's banned books week and everyone should go read banned books!!!
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
"Disdain, Contempt, Disrespect, Embarrassment, Pride."
My parents won't stop fighting. It's been on going since the family meeting on Monday night. It's as if Mom feels that since something's been said she can say anything. There is condescension, crying, the raising of voices. It's not as if any of it helps Dad's stress level, which was the reason for talking in the first place. I started to wonder a bit ago if Mom didn't have MS if they would even be together. But no one can leave now. I know that Dad didn't get the life that he wanted but perhaps that takes an outside view (not being my mother) to see that. Sometimes I think that people feel they need to say things for their sake and not the person's they are saying it to, before it is too late, the ideas go away, etc. But so many times all of those things will only hurt the person. I don't know anymore if it's better to say what's been left unsaid for so many years or to not say it all. Perhaps neither. I guess I never understood, really understood, what all of those kids with divorced parents went through. I'm starting to get it now, although I think my parents are stuck in this marriage. I found my baby pictures the other day. Mom holding me, Dad holding me, happiness. I realize I don't have any pictures of them together. It's interesting, as we get older, how we start to understand relationships more, feelings, how the pasts of people effect them, how fear causes things to stay the same even when they shouldn't.
I didn't expect this to ever really happen. I feel as if my life is falling in around me and that we deserve it to.
"Smile. With Your Heart. Cry. You Tear Me Apart. Love. Over Threw Me."
I'm getting really sick of being a coward. I'm scared yes, but I'm also just not so sure of where I want to be anymore. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. I know that I need to follow my heart but I can't hear what it's trying to tell me.
My longest lasting feeling is getting out of here. At the least, for a little bit. I need to go where I love to be, where I feel best. And I think I need to go alone. (I don't have long bits of being alone anymore.) My head definitely needs to be cleared.
"My Swords Wrung High As The Storm Subsides."
I'm pretty happy lately. I'm not sure if that's because of how busy I've been or because of a certain someone. Either way, I can't complain.
I'm changing for the better.
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
'Oh My Fears. Have Cornered Me Here."
I feel heartbroken when I am not.
No They Disappears - Do They Die?
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